2005-09-13 - 9:15 p.m.
Something's happening to everyone and I don't know how I feel about it.
So at one local bar in Ashgabat, where you can almost always find a PCV sitting down to have a beer anytime of day and the year, they've hired bands to play outside in between the plastic tables, fake tiki lawn candles, and recently added tiled dancefloor with big mirror. Most of the entertainment, per usual in Turkmenistan, is provided by a semi-drunk Russian man at a keyboard with too many pre-programmed synthesizer waltzes and sambas in it that sings (the man sings, not the keyboard, otherwise that would be a Cher song) old romantic Soviet tunes that will "really take you back." Sometimes another semi-drunk Russian will be casually strumming an acoustic guitar "for mood" while he ogles the lovely Russian and Turkmen girls in tight jeans. The music? Too loud. And, you guys? Not very pleasant.
However, there has been a band that has played a total of two times the past couple of times I've been in this great nation's capital and let me tell you--they prepare, steam, boil, and serve with a side of smetana (e.g. sour cream) the songs like nobody's beeswax. There is a full-fledge band consisting of a bass, an electric guitar, and a drum set! Yes! A drum set! Best of all? A lead singer who from a distance looks like a foxier and less mopey version of Evanescence's Amy Lee with braided dreadlocks all the way down to her back; the same clothing, only shorter. However, when you get up close you realize she's like, 40, and she has a LOT of white foundation caked on. Which, you know. I'm ok with that.
The best part is that she's actually good, as far as a cover band that plays the Zip Bar in Ashgabat, Turkmenistan goes. She's got a really jazzy inflection that she chooses to inflect on a delightful platter of American hits like "Tooty Fruity", "Call Me", "The Best", and "I Will Survive." The band wails behind her and she breezily stands in one place ("Is it possible to breezily stand in one place?" you ask. Oh yes, it is. OOH YES.) and sings with an air of detached caring. She is Lady Contradiction and she would request you don't tip your waitress, as it is not the custom here.
Due to her Russian heritage, her grasp of the American/English phonetic system is slippery at best and one would be rude to expect anything but a slippery grasp. No? What ends up coming out of her mouth sounds gorgeous but ends up making no coherent sense. She sounds as if she is voicing exactly how my brain interprets lyrics due to my poor hearing and comprehension skills (from the brain that brought you Bon Jovi's "Living on a Graham." Thank you, brain. Thank you). Seret! Smatriy! as our Turkmen and Russian friends would respectively say. Look, for example:
"Yo na bes,
Benne dan all ne ress,
Benne dan anyva-hun
anyva-hun ah eva mess."
You recognize that? You may have heard the oh-so-catchy melody and the lead guitar hitting that counter-melody line previously played by a keyboard in the original. But that? Was Tina Turner's "The Best". Another?
"Oh no na ah
ah weel suh-vye
as lon nas ah no how da la
ah no nye be a nye!
Ah god al my lov na li
ah god al my lov na gi
ah wih suh-vye
ah wih suh-vye!"
And that is Gloria Gaynor's perennial classic that will forever be dragged around on the heels of drag queen stillettos for the remainder of time. Thank you, GLBT services.
What's so great about her pronunciation is how I know how she feels--when I want to sing along to my favorite Russian songs, I have nothing else to rely on but listening to the simple phonetics of it. Dima Bilan would weep if he heard how I was butchering his beautiful pop songs. It's also amusing to me because I recall reading texts about pidgin languages that don't look too different than what I typed up there.
Despite all my joking about it, I highly recommend sitting at the Zip Bar to catch a steamy rendition of "Lady in Red."
